Here are some Dilbert one liners...


1. I say no to alcohol,
It just doesn't listen.

2. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.

3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

5. When everything comes in your way
You're in the wrong lane.

6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train..

7. Born free,
Taxed to death.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory,
Some just don't have film..

9. Life is unsure;
Always eat your dessert first.

10. Smile,
It makes people wonder what you are thinking.

11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground,
You'll have trouble putting on your pants.

12. It's not hard to meet expenses,
They are everywhere.

13. I love being a writer...
What I can't stand is the paperwork.

14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot.
The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

17. In a country of free speech,
Why are there phone bills?

18. If you cannot change your mind,
Are you sure you have one?

19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush,
Leave work at noon!

20. If you can't convince them,
Confuse them.

21. It's not the fall that kills you.
It's the sudden stop at the end.

22. I couldn't repair your brakes,
So, I made your horn louder!

23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass.

24. The cigarette does the smoking,
You are just the sucker.

25. Someday is not a day of the week.

26. Whenever I find the key to success,
Someone changes the lock.

27. To Err is human,
To forgive is not a company policy.

28. The road to success....
Is always under construction.

29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems,
But, if you think again, neither does milk.

30. In order to get a loan,
You first need to prove that you don't need it.

31.If you're too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience.

32. I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

33. I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.

34.Never try to drown your troubles... Especially if he can swim.

35. Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.

36. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.

37. By the time a man realizes that his father was usually right, he has a son who thinks he's usually wrong.

38. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

39.There are three sides to every argument: your side,my side and the right side.

40.An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

41.When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

42. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

43.They say hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance.